Choosing the Right Mentor: Building Lasting Relationships

I often find myself drawn to a company of older, wiser individuals—people who have faced and overcame life’s challenges and are open to sharing the lessons they've learned. This inclination towards meaningful relationships started in my childhood, when my father would bring me to informal meetings with his bosses and colleagues. Those early experiences taught me a valuable lesson: how to listen carefully and discern which conversations carried good morals, integrity, and wisdom, and which did not.

There’s an old saying that resonates with me deeply: “Tell me who your friends are, and I will tell you who you are.” It’s a simple yet powerful truth. As I grew older, I became increasingly selective about the company I kept closer, carefully choosing to surround myself with people whose values and conversations reflected the kind of person I wanted to be. I’ve always avoided circles where discussions revolved around superficial or shallow topics—partying, money, or lavish lifestyles. Instead, I sought out relationships with individuals who embodied wisdom, humility, and depth.

These foundations have shaped my approach to finding mentors. A mentor doesn't always have to be an expert in a particular subject. Often, it’s their character, life experience, and the trust we’ve built that makes their advice invaluable. Over time, I’ve developed strong relationships with people I trust, and I’ve relied on their guidance through personal and professional challenges alike.

In this post, I want to share my approach to finding the right mentors—those who can guide you through the complexities of your career and life with wisdom and integrity. These relationships can serve as the cornerstone of your growth, no matter your profession or personal ambitions.

Mentor Finding Strategies for Engineers and Engineering Managers

As an engineer or engineering manager, the right mentor can be a guiding force, helping you grow both technically and as a leader. Finding such a person isn’t just about searching for someone with the right skills—it’s about building a meaningful relationship, one that’s rooted in trust, shared values, and genuine interest in each other’s growth. Over the years, I’ve learned that mentorship is not something you should rush into, but something that develops naturally when you align yourself with people whose experiences and insights resonate with your own aspirations.

Let me walk you through how I’ve approached finding mentors and what has worked well for me.

1. Leverage Your Workplace Network

You don’t have to look far to find a mentor. Some of the most valuable relationships I’ve had started right where I was—at work. If you think about it, the people you work with already understand a lot about your environment, challenges, and industry, which makes them naturally well-suited to provide guidance.

I’ve always found it useful to start by observing the people around me. Who do I admire? Who handles challenges with grace, skill and genuine humility? Who is able to go extend dignity and respect to those around them? Who doesn't live in agony of constant revenge to those who were unfair to them?

I worked closely on one of the secret projects at Amazon with a bright individual. I found myself genuinely intrigued by his approach to solving some of the challenging problems. Later, I sent a follow-up email asking for advice on a challenge I was facing at the time. This wasn’t about trying to force a mentorship relationship—it was about starting a conversation. Over time, that person became someone I could reach out to for guidance. The key is not to treat events as a one-off opportunity but as a place where long-term connections can begin.

You don’t need someone who’s an expert in everything. Sometimes, the best mentors are those who can give you an outside perspective or honest feedback. In fact, some of the best advice I’ve received came from people who weren’t in my field but had a deep understanding of leadership or problem-solving.

2. Attend Industry Conferences and Events

Conferences and industry events are rich with opportunity, not just for learning but for meeting people who can inspire and guide you. I’ve always believed that attending these gatherings isn’t just about absorbing information—it’s about connection.

For instance, I met one individual at a conference focused on building leadership skills. This individual was already retired and through a small talk I found that he worked in a tech industry, specifically, he worked for an IBM. This gave us common ground to connect and this conversation led to building a long lasting relationship, over the course of the years he shared numerous examples where he acted with honesty and integrity in difficult situations which eventually led to positive outcomes. He shared many other perspectives that helped me shaped how I see and approach difficult situations and focus on solutions with win-win outcomes so that in the exchange the life (or positive energy) flows in both directions, not just one.

Networking isn’t just about asking for advice; it’s about being genuinely curious. When I approach someone, I’m not looking for a transactional relationship. I’m looking to learn from someone whose values and experiences align with mine.

3. Engage in Online Communities

In today’s world, the power of online communities can’t be underestimated. You can meet incredible people—mentors, peers, collaborators—through platforms like LinkedIn, simply by showing up and contributing. I like to think of these spaces as modern town squares, where you can find experts, thought leaders, and peers who share your passions and challenges.

For example, on LinkedIn, you can follow people whose work you admire. Don’t hesitate to engage with their posts. Commenting thoughtfully, sharing insights, or even asking follow-up questions is a great way to establish rapport. There’s something to be said for putting yourself out there—being proactive about learning and connecting. But don't comment for the sake of commenting or to simply promote yourself, it will be very obvious to everyone.

In the digital age, we’re not limited to the people in our immediate physical space. We can connect with mentors from around the world, who have diverse experiences and perspectives that can profoundly shape our own journeys.

4. Join Professional Organizations and Meetups

Early in my career, I made it a point to attend local meetups and join professional organizations. What I loved about these groups was that they attracted people from all walks of life, united by a shared passion.

One of the mentorship opportunities came out from a small local engineering meetup, sponsored by Microsoft. It wasn’t a flashy conference or a big networking event—it was just a gathering of people passionate about technology. Some people attended because of free swag and one or two speakers from Microsoft, while others just wanted to be part of the community. After the formal session ended, I found myself in a conversation with someone who had years of experience in a field I was just getting into. I later started following their online community and podcasts and had the opportunity to learn from deep experts across various fields of computer science and software engineering. Later when I joined Amazon, I had an opportunity to meet that expert, who I admired for so long and ended up helping him interviewing engineers for his team, I was an Amazon interview Bar Raiser at the time. I had a luxury of picking his brain and his wisdom over a coffee chat. Although it a was a relatively short engagement, but it was, nevertheless a very meaningful one.

It’s not always the grand, structured events that lead to mentorship—it’s often the smaller, more intimate gatherings where people are relaxed and open to real conversation.

5. Look for Mentorship in Adjacent Fields

Throughout my career, I’ve realized that mentors don’t always need to come from the exact same background as you. Some of the most valuable mentorship I’ve received has come from people in unrelated fields—those who aren’t engineers but understand the bigger picture.

I remember one of my mentors who came from a small business background. They weren’t deeply technical, but they had an incredible grasp of how people could work together harmoniously. Their insights on communication and aligning priorities were game-changing for me as I moved into more managerial roles. It’s these cross-functional perspectives that can broaden your understanding and make you a more effective leader.

So don’t limit yourself to seeking mentors strictly within your discipline. You can learn so much from people in product, UX, or business development. They offer fresh perspectives that might be exactly what you need to take your career to the next level.

6. Internal Mentorship Programs

If your company offers a mentorship program, take advantage of it. Early in my career, I worked at a company with a formal program that paired senior leaders with junior employees. At first, I wasn’t sure about participating—it felt a bit structured and formal—but it ended up being one of the best decisions I made. I ended up approaching a leader I admired and asked him to be my mentor. The relationship started with regular check-ins, but over time, my mentor became someone I could trust for a broader guidance on not just work, but life, he had 7 kids :) .

Even if your company doesn’t have a formal program, that doesn’t mean you can’t seek out informal mentorship relationships with senior colleagues. Sometimes, a simple conversation over lunch can lead to ongoing guidance and support.

7. Long-Term Strategy: Build Your Mentorship Network Over Time

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that mentorship isn’t a one-time thing. It’s a long-term journey, built on trust, respect, and genuine connection. I’ve always approached finding mentors with a mindset of patience and openness.

Sometimes, the people you least expect end up being the mentors who have the most impact on your life. And over time, as your career evolves, so will your need for different types of mentors. The relationships I’ve built with mentors have grown and changed with me, and I continue to nurture them even as I move into new phases of my life.

Mentorship isn’t just about finding one person who has all the answers. It’s about surrounding yourself with a community of people you can learn from, trust, and grow with.

Conclusion

Selecting the right mentor is a thoughtful process that involves understanding your own needs, being proactive in your approach, and building meaningful, long-term relationships. Mentorship is not a one-time event but an ongoing journey that can profoundly impact your career and personal development. Remember, the best mentors are often found within your network, and they don’t have to be formal or singular—cultivating a diverse group of mentors can help you grow in multiple dimensions.

P.S. Thanks to Khili S. for this topic suggestion.